Ok. Imagine you’re watching a play. The actors are acting and the lights are shining and the dude beside you is crunching a noisy, obnoxious carrot.
The Winnipeg Fringe Festival began on Wednesday, so here is a list of what you should never eat in a theatre.
1. The Carrot Cruncher
Carrots are a delicious veggie to snack on, especially with ranch. But no one likes the crunching and slushing sound of chewed-up carrots in your mouth. If you’re a rabbit or something and you absolutely need carrots, just make sure they’re already crushed up and drink them as a smoothie.
2. The Spaghetti Slurper
I admit that I was quite the slurper at one point in my life, but no one, I repeat, NO ONE enjoys hearing the sound of someone else’s noodles slapping their saucy face during a slurp (unless it’s a cute baby, then it’s ok).
3. Nacho Favourite Sound
Who enjoys hearing the crack of every crispy nacho chip? What if it was right behind your ear? What if after every bite your nerves got a little more shot? Maybe you can shove those in the blender with the carrots to avoid being forced to eat one of my knuckle sandwiches.
4. The Big Bad Wolf
Huffing and puffing to cool your mouth after eating a bite of really spicy food is cool, but be mindful of the people around you. Make sure you’re not blowing the hair of the lady in front of you. She may have a quarterback boyfriend sitting beside her. Who’s big and bad now?
5. The Serial Seeder
Once you start eating sunflower seeds, it’s almost impossible to stop eating sunflower seeds. But, let’s get real; it’s annoying when in a quiet place with a bunch of strangers. Hearing the shell of every seed crack is not entertaining. Watching shells fly from someone else’s mouth is not fun. Be considerate of your surroundings.
6. The Cracker Jacker
Sure, caramel-coated popcorn is unique and has a delicious taste, but it also crunches. Loudly. Most people, even outside of the theatre, aren’t interested in hearing your loud crunches. Maybe you should hold off on the cracker jacks until the applause at the end of the show.
Lucky for you, no one will be crunching carrots or cracking jacks in a Fringe audience. No food allowed. So, check out www.winnipegfringe.com and catch a show (or eight) and watch great theater in peace